Coaching Manual for the Galli Cricketer

It is quite inevitable that everybody in India wants to be a Sachin Tendulkar, at least all the males do and probably quite a few of the females as well. Well, I am not Sachin Tendulkar disguised as a blogger, so I cannot help you realise this particular dream. But I can teach you something else, which incidentally, is infinitely more pleasurable and definitely more achievable - how to be a successful galli-cricketer!

Sachin might earn the accolades of the whole world, but by now, he is probably bored to death of it all. I can assure you one thing. You will never ever tire of the accolades of your galli neighbours. You might smash your neighbour's windiows into smithereens. But if you are the darling of your galli team, he will probably celebrate by streaking across the pitch in his birthday suit. Doting mothers will feed you up obscenely at the drop of a hat. And all the girls-next-door will swoon if you so much as blow your nose. Such are the advantages of being a star galli-cricketer.

The first step towards becoming a successful galli-cricketer - inherit a few good looks from someone. Remember, all the above mentioned luxuries come with this rider attached, you have to be good-looking. All that glitters might not be gold. But then who cares, at least it looks like gold.

Now, you cannot bask in the knowledge that you are good-looking. You have to work hard for your success. Remember, mere looks do not maketh a man; the muscles beneath his shirt mattereth too. So, work hard on your physique; pump all the iron you can find. You should start your quest for success from an early age. Mark the child who carries a lollipop in one hand and a dumb-bell in the other. He is meant for great things. Perseverance is as important as talent. There might be times when you feel that all this iron-pumping is leading you nowhere. But recall the heaven that awaits you and keep on pumping. And one thing of crucial importance: once you have built up a good physique, never lose a chance of losing your shirt. In fact, go out of your way and create such chances. No man ever tasted success without proper initiative.

Your appearance having been taken care of, it's time now to concentrate on public relations. Remember, the most important person in the game of cricket is the umpire. In galli cricket, the umpire is usually recruited from amongst the more elderly members of the community. Here is where your sunny personality can come to your aid. Spare some of your invaluable time and waste it on these septuagenarians and octogenarians. Praise them to the skies. tell them how all the elderly ladies swoon at their very sight. Tell them how athletic they still are with their creaking joints and aching bones. Stay assured- all your efforts will never go in vain. Remember, cricket is 99% inspiration and 1% perspiration. And if you follow my advice to the letter, you will find the umpire only too ready to provide you with inspiration.

One thing that many players tend to neglect is attitude. How many talented galli-cricketers have I seen fall by the wayside, solely due to lack of the right attitude. Take it from me- the right attitude is bound to take you places beyond your own galli (probably to the next galli). Now, just having the right attitude is not enough. You have to know when and how to showcase it. For example, take this situation - you have just been caught marginally short of your ground by a good throw. You know that you are out and the nearby guys know it too. But Hey!!...that does not mean that you are out. Do not be afraid to raise your voice against justice. If necessary, throw a tantrum. In fact, make it a habit. Throw tantrums whenever and wherever you deem it necessary. Little things like this can go a long way towards prolonging your stay at the wicket. Cultivation of the correct attitude is a part of growing up. For optimum results, start the process from your very early childhood. Make tantrums, sulks and misdemeanours a part of your daily routine and follow this routine zealously. Dedication to your goal is of the utmost importance.

Now, at last you are ready to learn the technical aspects of cricket. But before starting, you have to make a decision. To earn the love and respect of your galli, you must be a batsman. In galli-cricket, bowlers are a much-maligned tribe. They are there only because you cannot afford bowling machines. Bowlers are meant to be pounded to powder. So give up the very idea of becoming your galli's Wasim Akram. It is not humanly possible.

So now that you have taken the right decision, lets get on with the tips. The cricket is a flat piece of wood with which you are supposed to clobber the ball. And galli technique says that the cricket ball should be clobbered as often and as hard as possible. You have no doubt admired Rahul Dravid's flawless technique and ballerina-like footwork; but pal, this is galli-cricket and when you are in your galli, you have to do what your galli does. So forget all about technique and footwork and keep swinging. Here is where your previously built up biceps can be of invaluable aid to you.

And yes, one very important tip. When swinging, try to aim for a window. This is, of course, not easy and requires a fair amount of luck too. Perfection in this art can be achieved only through experience and relentless practice. When you start smashing windows at will, you will endear yourself tenfold to your admirers. For the ability to smash windows at will is the hallmark of a great galli batsman and signifies the acme of galli batsmanship.

Armed with these invaluable tips, you can now venture out into the small and mean world of your galli and aspire to reach heights higher than the tallest building in your galli. Sachin might well revel in his prowess under the floodlights, but remember: your prowess under the street-lights might well make him run for his...er...galli.